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While writing in my favorite coffeeshop last week, a professor at our local university who I had not seen recently walked by and said, “Will, it’s good to see you. How long have you been here?”

Thinking he meant serving the church in our community, I replied, “Over 20 years now.”

He gave me a slightly puzzled look.

“I meant in this coffeeshop. I must have missed you when I walked in.”

My answer was accurate, but not accurate for the question he was actually asking. Life can be like that as well; we are giving a right answer, but we have failed to truly understand the nature of the question.

Much of the conflict and confusion in our culture comes from missed (or missing) communication. We spend a lot of time talking, but too often we are talking passed one another. Because we often focus on responding to others rather than reflecting on what they truly mean, we end up confused and frustrated. How can I better hear what others are saying when topics arise where we disagree?

Turn down the temperature. One issue that quickly can sidetrack a conversation is when the level of emotion becomes elevated too quickly. This type of heated exchange fuels cable news, talk radio, and religious discussion boards, but often causes potentially meaningful conversations to fizzle. If I am passionate about an issue, I must also consider that the other person may be just as passionate. This realization is especially helpful if I take the time to realize that I may not be as personally invested in the subject as my counterpart. If we are discussing adoption, I may have many well-researched ideas, but if the person sitting across from me was adopted as a child or is currently in the adoption process after years of infertility, I do not share the same connection to the subject. This realization is not some type of moral relativism, it is simply acknowledging the fact that no two people come to any conversation with the same background, and our experiences deeply shape our thoughts and emotions. The writer of Proverbs 15:1 wisely notes the need to “chill out” before responding in anger and says, “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” When I can pause to gentle and soften the conversation, I stand a better chance of both truly hearing and being heard.

Consider the time and place. It is also important to consider the timing and setting of the exchange. If a person confronts me with an online comment at 2 AM, I won’t see it immediately, can choose to ignore it, or if needed, follow up privately. If a person asks me something in a one-on-one conversation, I have more time and focus to respond well rather than being put on the spot in a larger group like in a staff meeting or church assembly. Not every question merits a response, and not every answer needs to be given in an immediate, public way. Our instant, social media-saturated world tells us that to respond quickly is to win, but the opposite is almost always true. The person who can slow down and consider the best, most helpful way to respond in the specific setting is more likely to make a lasting difference.

When we fail to pay attention to others, we open ourselves up to confusion and conflict. As we live each day, may we seek to imitate the Prince of Peace who understood and modeled the power of listening and faithfully responding to people’s needs in ways that best fit the demands of the moment.